Being a Kazza
by Andrea O'Down
Summary: After leaving the kazza Aurelia thinks about her situation and her new friends. Aurelia's POV. Note: The so-called "kazza" are a secret society which has its origins in the Middle Ages in Europe. The members are all female who back in the Middle Ages learned how to use weapons to protect their families, but over the years became top assassins. And yes, I made this up. ;)


I don't know exactly what made me give up the life I had lived so far. I've grown up to be a kazza, I have lived for being a kazza. And now I have abandoned this life. My sisters hate me now. I have betrayed them. I am a traitor, an outcast, someone who might still act like a kazza, but never could be one to the core.  
But the funny thing about this is that I feel more like a kazza than ever before.  
I know, under the kazza's rules I really have betrayed them by dropping out of my mission, by refusing to kill a target. But for me that man was not a target any longer. He was a man, a normal, innocent man who had done nothing to deserve death.  
I guess that's the reason why we are told not to think of our targets as humans. We are told to see them as just that – targets, not more.  
But when I had looked into his eyes, when the four brothers had told me more about him, it just hadn't fetl right to proceed.  
I remembered what my grandmother had once told me about the origins of the kazza. They were normal women back then in the Middle Ages. But they felt the need to protect their loved ones, their families. Being a kazza originally meant that you had to act against the rules of society back then and learned how to use weapons, how to defend yourself and how to defend your family. It had nothing to do with being an assassin. You acted out of love, not by reason of money.  
That changed over the years since the kazza got better and better in what they were doing and they soon realized they could make a business out of it. And they did. For women at the time – even if they had to act in secret – they were quite powerful.  
I understand why they had done this. They needed money for their families. And I think there was another reason too. Being a kazza gave you the opportunity to act self-determined. And self-determination was pretty rare for women.  
Times changed and the kazza with them. We became top assassins, acting in secret, like we hads always done. Protecting your family now means to keep being a kazza a secret from society. Those among your family who are kazza themselves are in the know, you're free to decide if you trust the rest of the family enough to tell them, but mostly the other family members don't know anything.  
That's why we still wear our cat masks although I now refuse to wear mine. Like killing innocent people, still wearing the mask just doesn't feel right. I still have it, of course, but it's just collecting dust. All other kazza wear their masks, but I don't feel related to them any longer. Not wearing the mask is my sign of having changed.  
When I came to New York I was pretty sure I would accomplish my mission in a few weeks, get back to Europe and live a happy life as a kazza from then on. I was mistaken. It was my first mission. I haven't killed anyone before, just received the usual kazza-upbringing which is really hard, believe me. I was talented and finished my training at record speed. Having your first mission at the age of eighteen really is something. Accomplishing my first mission was my final test. Done that, everyone among our clan would have seen me as a full kazza, not a kazza in training. But I failed – in the eyes of my mother and the other kazza, of course, not if you ask me. In my opinion I passed.  
I have chosen the path of the first kazza by fighting for something that is more important than money, by fighting – and maybe dying – for something that is really worth it.  
And I have my new friends to thank for, making me see this. When they told me the personal information of my target, they struck a nerve, making me remember how I really felt about killing just for the money. I tried to ignore it at first, though, but then there was this moment I knew I couldn't go on with that. I knew I had to stop – for my own sake.  
Facing my mother, of course, was difficult. I don't know why I thought I may be able to convince her that my decision was right, because in fact, I wasn't. Grandmother might have understood why I did what I did, but my mother? Never. She just said she was disappointed and that I would be punished when I arrived back home. That was when I realized I could never go back. I had been afraid it might turn out that way, and my fears came true, but I knew that I would have to deal with it and that I can deal with it, no matter what.  
So far I don't regret my decision. And I'm sure I will never regret it, even if that decision may cost me my life in the future. The only thing I might regret is that it could endanger my new friends as well. I will have to face my tribunal sooner or later. My former sisters will find me and ask me to choose between joining them again and death. I know I will choose the latter. And I will face my tribunal at the first chance they tell me about it. Trying to get away, trying to hide, will make them come after anyone who is close to me, hurting them at first, then killing them, if I would still refuse to make my decision. But I won't. I wouldn't let anything happen to my new friends. I will protect them with my own life if I have to – and I know I will have to one day.  
As for my new friends, I don't know why, but I somehow felt connected to them right from the beginning. Yes, we were fighting at first because they tried to protect my target, but their way felt way more appropriate to me than my own. I guess that had been the reason I gave in quite easily. I have the feeling Leo somehow had felt my hesitance, and that's why they didn't just fight me, but tried to make me see things differently. And I think it is the reason too why Leo trusted me right after I told them I left the kazza. It has nothing to do with being credulous, like Raph would put it, but with knowledge of human nature. And he and I get along quite well. Sure, I have problems with taking orders from him. Kazza usually fight alone, and if they don't they will never take orders from a man. But Leo is good leader. That makes following his orders a bit easier for me. But it's still a challenge. I'm working on it. And yes, I will never understand why he is so obsessed with that Space Heroes-show, but that's okay. We all have things we like and things we don't. Friends don't judge. And that's why I'll never tell him that I think that show is stupid.  
I know Raph doesn't trust me. And maybe he'll never trust me completely. All I can do is try to gain his trust. It's just that he is so overprotective when it comes to his family. He wants to make sure nothing will happen to them. That's an admirable quality, but it makes it difficult to gain his trust, especially when you tried to kill his brothers at the beginning, which I did. Okay, I didn't really mean it, but it looked like I did. And the fact that we get into fights over each and every trifle makes things even more complicated between us. But what can I say? It's so much fun to tease him. And his face when he gets really angry…priceless! So I guess things will stay complicated between us. I can live with that.  
As for Donnie, I think he trusts me. Maybe he didn't trust me right when Leo did, but now he does. I'm quite sure about that one. He thinks things through, and that way he realized I'm trustworthy. I think he is too much a head person. Really, does he ever stop wracking his brains? I doubt that. In a way I do understand him. I used to think too much about things as well when I was a bit younger, but one day I realized that sometimes you have to stop thinking – especially when it doesn't lead you anywhere. Oh, and one thing really drives me crazy about Donnie. He always tries to snatch my laptop and make it faster, better, and I don't know what else. Seriously, my laptop works just fine. Stay away from it! If I need help I'll tell you. Promise!  
Mikey is a real sunshine. And I think he trusted me even before Leo did. Out of the four I think he is the one who is closest to me. Actually, I see him as the little brother I always wanted, but never had. Yes, he is naive, and yes, sometimes he does really stupid things, but I think that's adorable. And it's always fun to hang out with him. I'll never understand why Raph is so mean to him. That's another reason why Raph and I get into fights – because I will always protect Mikey from Raph. And I guess Raph just doesn't like it if someone gets in his way when he thinks Mikey deserves a wipe-down. Sorry, Raph, but that will never change.  
So that's how things are between the four brothers and me. I get along with them, with some, okay, three better than with the rest, but it works. I really like my new life, and I am very thankful my fate led me to New York. I found my place.  
During our last phone call I told my mother that if killing an innocent man means disappointing her, I hope I'll keep on disappointing her for the rest of my life. And that's exactly what I will do. Maybe one day she will understand, and if she doesn't there's nothing to be done.  
I know my decision had been right and I will stick to it – to the last breath.


End file.
